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Bottom line: a dating profile—your first impression—is “sell copy,” and you’re the product being marketed.

Instead of saying, ‘I’m witty,’” Robinson suggests, “say, ‘I’m one part Ricky Gervais, one part Jon Stewart, and a soupcon of Fred Flintstone.’ That paints a more vivid picture.” I like surfing, reading, swimming, jogging, and cooking. If you saw a list like this on a cute girl’s profile, how would you possibly respond? “ ‘Last summer, I went surfing at the Jersey Shore nearly every day with my dog Rufus. Buy me a beer, and I’ll tell you more.’ Something like that gives a date plenty to want to talk to you about—plus you sound like an active, interesting person, not just a list of gerunds.” Don’t stretch the truth, even on minor details.

In a meta-analysis of 86 psychology, sociology, computer, and behavioral studies, they found answers to the questions that leave online daters paralyzed at their keyboards or searching for the perfect selfie.

With a list of eerily specific guidelines—covering everything from the perfect screen name to the wording of that first message—science has the looking for love covered.

And for those who judge breakthroughs in online dating insignificant in the annals of scientific discovery, even Carl Sagan knows that “For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.”Men are simple creatures, the science suggests, so obvious screen names are the most effective.

Men gravitate towards positive handles—this isn’t the place for self-deprecation—that intimate the person on the other side of the screen is sexy (stuff like “Blondie” and “Cutie”).

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